Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Wednesday Witches Weekly

I have plenty more California stories and photos (if I can ever get Blogger to work), but I thought I'd start something new: posting the Witches Weekly.

Do you ever feel yourself pulling away from your spirituality? If so, what do you do to recharge yourself?

Oh lordy. You don't know half of it.
I've mentioned before that I've had a long struggle coming to accept Paganism as a valid path for me; never mind being "out" about it, talking about it here. There are lots of reasons for my doubts and difficulties. Our society's valuation of Rationality and denigration of intuition, for one thing. Growing up, my smarts was pretty much the only thing I had to feel good about. I was very much the male-identified intellectual, who thinks if only she's as smart and rational as the boys, she'll be treated just like them. So I learned to supress things like intuition, emotions (I taught myself not to cry), all those things we associate with feminity. Paganism is all about non-rational, non-linear ways of thinking and percieving, so overcoming that bias is very hard. It's hard to trust yourself, your instincts, your gut, not to worry that you're being delusional and engaging in fallacies and fuzzy thinking.
Also, I was raised Catholic, and learning to let go of that dependence on hierarchy and authority to tell you what to believe and how to act is tricky. I still fear encountering the Divine without a mediator priest; still full of that Catholic "I'm not worthy!" crap. Learning that divinity is not some Other, outside myself, disconnected from me, has been a challenge.
Also, I don't really need another thing to estrange me from my family. So I'm closeted about my spirituality and that makes things difficult. And one does get tired of being different all the time.
What keeps me coming back? Happiness. Peace. Sanity. I'm a classic Libran, "I balance", when I push away my spirituality I get out of whack real quick. Insecure, nervous, worried, depressed. Paganism gives me wholeness. I don't seem to be an atheist. Not That There's Anything Wrong With That, but it just didn't fit, somehow. I was agnostic for a long time, until I had managed to deprogram myself enough that I could go looking for a spirituality that made sense to me. And I'm learning that all those doubts and worries are just society's values, the status quo trying to get me to conform, and I reject those values. So I'm learning to take Freak, Wierdo, and Flake as compliments. I'm learning that trusting your gut doesn't mean giving up rationality. I can be an intellectual and spiritual at the same time. There's no conflict. Just a balance.
Besides, candles are pretty and I like the smell of incense.


Post a Comment

<< Home