fucking Mercury

It's gone fucking retrograde and it's causing me to use the f-word a lot.

Fuck fuckity fuck.

I got the job, for what it's worth. I'm canvassing neighborhoods for my state PIRG (public interest research group) in their campaign against global warming. So I'm knocking on doors trying to hit people up for money. The hours are crap and the pay is shit, but the cause is good and somebody's gotta do it. It's not ideal, but at least I get to feel noble.

Not that nobility counts for much with me right now. I had a knock-down drag-out fight with my parents this morning about how I need to find a "real" job (because even though the state PIRG is about the only thing standing between Big Business and their desire to rape the planet, global warming's just gonna fix itself I guess). Though I quickly found that what "worries" them so much is not my lack of career goals, but my Freakishness. At least they finally came out honestly.

"I don't understand what's going on in your head!" mom cries. "I don't understand why you are the way you are! I don't know what you're thinking! You need therapy!"
"Why don't you shave?!" exclaims Dad.
"Why don't you shave?" I snapped. "What's the difference?"

I went to a job interview and mom tried to talk me out of wearing my business suit. She kept trying to get me into a skirt, or at least a tank top instead of an Oxford shirt.
"I can't believe you want me to dress informally for a job interview!" I said.
"Well, that suit just looks too...too...." Manly was the word she didn't say. I don't know why I was surprised or hurt by my mother's disgust. This is the woman who gets me a tube of lipstick for Christmas every year even though I've never worn make-up in my life.

It's all so stupid. Because they're not bad people. They're willing to put me through grad school, pay rent for an apartment, make do without the car, once I figure out what I want to do with my life. They love me. But they're thoroughly bourgeois as well, the epitome of the hard-working middle-class Midwest, and the fucked up societal values they've absorbed make them express that love in hurtful ways. They're like the swat team of the patriarchy, policing my body, my desires, my self-expression, "for my own good." They genuinely want what's best for me, and what's best for me is if I conform. And they're confused, because I used to conform so well. I was always "the good child", and it's not like I've started doing drugs and robbing banks, but you can't be a lesbian and still be "the good child." They're ashamed of me. Though they would never see it that way; in their heads, I'm acting totally irrationally, not playing by the rules, ruining my life.

Stupid, goddamn fucking patriarchy.

Ironically, this whole mess has helped bring me closer to a decision about my career plans. I usually need a kick in the ass before I make decisions, otherwise I just dither forever. I still need to research and think a bit more, but the more I think about it, the better it feels.

now I'm going to go cheer myself up with a little Kevin Spacey geekery.